It's been nearly three months since I have written here! I have been giving myself some time and grace as there has been so much intense battling going on within me and it has been a lot. Accepting Huntington's disease still continues to be hard and there are days I long to go back to when everything appeared simpler.
I was faced with this again when I had a letter come through about my next annual HD Enroll appointment which I was not expecting till November. It threw me off that they wanted to see me sooner than I expected and I was once again in a wrestling match - I did not want to do this appointment. I did not want to face it again and have it all dragged up again. Everything within me revolted.
I began to dread the impending day truly believing that it was going to cause a major setback in my journey. I had come this far and I did not need to go backward I told myself. I paced up and down awaiting their arrival but no one came. Still, thirty minutes went by and no one arrived. Reason began to enter my mind again and I thought I better call them to see if something had happened.
Within minutes I had my answer - they had not arrived because I had not responded to their letter agreeing to the appointment. In other words, it had been a mix-up of communication so they assumed I did not want them to come. Relief poured into me like rain in a drought. They weren't coming. I could breathe again. But they offered me another appointment for a month later.
Later that day as I was walking around the park with my hubby and the relief had worn off - the other appointment began to come into focus. It was not over and I would have to face it all again. I found myself saying to Jason, "I can't do it. I think I'm going to have to cancel it" and I then described my thoughts that I could not go back. Things had been going well and I did not believe I had to face it again. He told me to do what I needed to do and that he supported me no matter what I decided.
I was so sure that I was going to cancel it and maybe even turn my back towards HD again. Bit by bit eliminate it from my life in such tiny ways that I would not even notice so I did not have to face the pain.
It wasn't until a week or so after this that I realized what had happened - I had floated back into denial again, into fighting HD again, into numbing/hiding my pain again, and hoping it would all go away again. It had slipped in in such a way that I had not even noticed and that inner revolt was my signal to what was going on inside me.
So I knew what I needed to do and it wasn't what I wanted. I had to face this appointment and pray for the grace and strength I needed to face it. It took everything from within me not to turn back. I had no trouble completing the appointment and all the tasks required of me but it was the other part that I did not want to face - the part where they tell you if they feel you have symptoms yet.
As it got to the end of the appointment the nurse asked if I had any questions. Immediately I said, "So how am I doing?" She smiled and said, "You don't have any symptoms, nothing at all." I felt like a giant boulder had been lifted off my chest and shoulders. I had no idea just how much I'd been carrying because of that appointment and when she said those words it released it all from within.
I still have time.
Denial had crept in offering its sweet comforts but praise God He didn't leave me in that dark place again but brought me through.
Now since then, I have been offered the chance to do an eight-week course in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) which is a new therapy being tried in those that have a positive gene result. I have also, as a result of my HD Enroll appointment, been offered the chance to take part in a study for anxiety and Huntington's disease. I am currently waiting to see if I am eligible for this study but if I am I will write about it and ACT therapy here.
I probably would not have done these things if I had chosen that other alluring path. These things are here to help me in my journey of healing and I believe God will always equip you with what you need at the right time. Healing is still very much a choice that I have to keep choosing.
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